


You are not your insecurities. | Cordelia Goode x reader

by perpetuumclausus



Series: ahs drabbles [9]
Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: F/F, Girlfriends - Freeform, Insecurity, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Witches, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 14:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18100361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetuumclausus/pseuds/perpetuumclausus





	You are not your insecurities. | Cordelia Goode x reader

You'd spent so much time together. You both knew how you truly felt. You loved Cordelia and Cordelia adored you. With each passing moment you'd spent together, the more you realized. You could truly see yourself with Cordelia for the rest of your life; even if that thought happened to terrify you. You'd been burnt so many times, that even you had to wonder if it'd all catch up to you one day. You'd wondered if you'd stop being so appealing to the Supreme.

You struggled with a lot, things you wouldn't dare reveal to Cordelia when you'd first starte dating. You'd learned so much about Cordelia in such a short amount of time. "Years. It took - so long." You studied the way her jaw moved and clenched, the way she would wring her hands as she spoke - twisting and pulling her own fingers, and the way her breath would become uneven when she'd recall a particularly painful memory. You swallowed. She'd gone through so many difficult things. She'd only referred to Fiona as her mother once - the only time you've ever heard her say that. Cordelia Goode never faltered, though - you never saw a tear leave her eye and you never saw her break down. You'd certainly think that Cordelia would have severe emotional trauma; especially after all the terrible childhood stories you'd heard, but she remained strong. Cordelia was determined to lead the coven in one piece and never ceased to amaze you. She never let a single soul down.

Despite her outward courage, you remembered the very first night you'd noticed. Despite Cordelia's strength - you'd woken up in your own room and heard a sound that you didn't particularly ever want to hear, and had never heard before. It started softly and when you looked through the tiny hole in the door, you saw a sight that broke your heart. You could see the strong woman you knew absolutely breaking within the walls of the bathroom, and it hurt so much. Your instincts told you to rap on the door twice and wait. You heard a lot of sniffling and the water started to run. "Cordelia?" you asked. "It's me - can I come in?" The two of you had been together for a while - not too long, but the relationship certainly didn't feel new anymore and you wanted more than anything, for Cordelia to feel like she didn't have to go through her trials alone. "I'm okay," she said with another sniffle. You could feel your heart sinking in your chest and you finally opened the door on your own. You gave her one look - a sympathetic type of look and stepped a little closer. The woman's face scrunched slightly, the pain apparent on her face. "Delia," you spoke softly. "You know that you can trust me, what's going on?" you asked, a small frown upon your face. Her blonde hair fell into her eyes as she shook her head. "Cordelia," you spoke again, a little softer than the first time. You reached out a hand and a grateful sensation washed over you when she took it, giving it the hardest squeeze that she could. In only a few more steps, she'd reached you and wrapped her arms around you - enveloping you in a hug that you both needed more than anything. "I think so many things - there's so much going on inside me that I just can't tell or show anyone. I don't know how," Cordelia explained, the Supreme's eyes brimming with tears. "Me, you can show me. That's why I'm here, don't you know that?" you asked, a slightly hurt expression showing on your face. You reached out your free hand and wiped some tears from Cordelia's face. "Delia - listen to me. Nothing is too big. Nothing is too much," you said, tears filling your own eyes. "Any problem you have - you can trust me with." She nodded and took a few slow breaths, keeping a tight grip on your hand. You pushed some of her hair back and kissed the side of her head. "It's going to be okay, everything is going to be okay."

Some time had passed; one thing changed and one stayed the same. Even though it'd been incredibly difficult for Cordelia - and rightfully so, she'd learned to trust you. With each day and with each break down she'd have in privacy, always after the girls were in bed and no one could notice (aside from you) she learned that she could depend on you, that you would be there no matter what. You still harbored so much inside, things you didn't even want to begin to add on to Cordelia's already hectic load; mentally, physically, and emotionally. The first night that Cordelia invited you to join her in the bedroom, you panicked. You'd spent plenty of time getting to know her and learn about her and from her, but somehow being so close with her and in such an intimate setting almost proved to be too much for you. You had so many things about you that she just didn't know yet - hell, maybe she'd never know if you had it your way. "I'm so glad that we get this special time together," the Supreme commented, a gentle smile on her face. It'd been hectic with classes and spells and working hard on the garden. Cordelia had been doing seemingly well after a major episode over Myrtle a few days prior and the very last thing you wanted to do was add to that or maybe even ignite it to begin again. "Honey?" she asked softly. "Leave the clouds and come join me back down here," Cordelia teased gently, tapping your shoulder. "Hi, I'm here," you said. "Sorry, I'm still thinking about this word that I used earlier in the greenhouse; the tulips," you said easily enough, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. You watched vacantly as Cordelia undressed and then stopped. "Do you think you could unhook me?" she asked, the tiniest smirk on her face. You mostly felt a tang of panic in your stomach, something you absolutely didn't want to feel during your very first "sleepover" with Cordelia. "Oh, of course," you agreed, standing up and helping her take off her bra. "Are you sure you're okay?" the Supreme asked, raising an eyebrow. "Yes, definitely. I'm sorry, maybe I'm just tired." Cordelia changed into some night clothes and slipped under the covers. Her smile had diminished slightly, but she still had hope in her eyes. "Come here, come on. This is exciting! I get to fall asleep with my girlfriend tonight, this is big for both of us," she urged. You smiled and thought about it. You both had gone through an awful lot to get to that point. You managed to slip under the covers beside her, keeping a safe distance away while still being close.

At some point, Cordelia had taken it upon herself to roll over and pull you in closer. Her lips grazed yours kindly and you couldn't help but take advantage of the unadulterated privacy and kiss her back. Her lips felt soft and tasted as sweet as honey and sugar - and every good taste you could've imagined. Things started to progress and your hands began trailing underneath Cordelia's nightgown and her hands ended up near your thighs. It didn't scare you that she'd taken off her nightgown - but it did scare you knowing what would come next. She pulled off the sweatpants you'd worn to bed and lavished your inner thighs with kisses; something that made you feel like an earthquake inside. You took in Cordelia's body in the dim lighting of the one lamp she'd had on; you'd never seen someone so beautiful in your entire life. "Are you ready?" you heard her whisper. For some reason, that caused your eyes to fill with tears - threatening to slip down your cheeks any second. "Y-yeah," you stammered, barely above a whisper. "Are you okay?" she asked, stopping to look at you. "I've never felt better." You hadn't lied exactly - you did feel so good, but you also felt so many other things at the same time. She took that as her cue to continue and before you knew it, she'd placed her hands under your shirt. Cordelia caressed the soft skin - anywhere and anything she could touch, she touched. She marveled at how soft your skin was until you froze. "No," you spoke again, barely above a whisper. You hadn't even meant to say it aloud. "What?" the Supreme asked. "What's going on?" she questioned. "Nothing, nothing." She didn't believe you. "I know when something isn't right. What's going on?" Cordelia asked again. "I'm fine, really. Here," you said, moving her hands away. "Why do you keep doing that? If you don't want to do this -" she started to say. "It's - it's not that. It's not that," you said, the tears finally beginning to fall down your cheeks in little droplets. "Are you crying?" Cordelia asked, her voice filling with concern. She sat up and turned the second lamp on, wanting to see better. "Need I remind you that you can tell me anything? What's wrong, did I do something? Did I push you?" she asked, the Supreme's eyes filled with worry and concern. This time she reached forward to take your hand and you gave it a hard squeeze. "I can't show - I can't show you," you answered vaguely. "You can show me anything - that's why I'm here, don't you know that?" Cordelia responded, a tiny smile playing on her lips. "You can't use my words against me," you half teased, a small sniffle leaving your body. She rubbed the back of your hand with her thumb and squeezed tighter. "Nothing is too big or too much," Cordelia reminded you. You took a deep breath, much like the one she'd taken so long before in the bathroom that night. "I want to, believe me. I love you. You're incredible, Cordelia. In every way that a person can be," you started to say. "- But I'm scared if you see what I'm capable of, that maybe you'd run in the other direction. Maybe you'd realize that - I, I don't know," you whispered. "Realize what, my darling?" she asked, her own eyes full of emotion. "Realize that I don't love you? Realize that I'm not head over heels for you? Realize that I don't want to spend every day of the rest of my life being here with you?" Cordelia asked. "Realize that I'm too fucked up to love or to want," you admitted, trying your very hardest to prevent yourself from crying any harder. "No," Cordelia reassured you. "Never," she said, scooting a little closer. "There's nothing in this world that could change my mind about that," she assured you. You sniffled softly and took another needed breath. Maybe, you were wrong about her - maybe Cordelia would be the exception; you knew you should trust her. "Okay," you said, taking another moment to fill your lungs with the air they so desperately needed. "You know that I don't talk about what happened before I came here before I even realized that I needed to be somewhere like Miss Robichaux's," you started to say. You could feel your girlfriend's eyes on you, even though you were gazing at your own lap in shame. "A lot happened at home and - I made some mistakes. Mistakes that became too big to hide from everyone, ones I couldn't even hide from myself." She used her free hand to wipe your eyes. "My entire torso-area. My stomach, my sides, my rib cage - they're all covered in scars," you admitted, the shame filling you. "And I'm so insecure about it because I can't understand how anyone could love me, when I'm like this and I knew it would only be a matter of time until you found out," you continued, bowing your head and beginning to cry. Cordelia placed a hand under your chin and tilted your head to face hers. "Look at me, here look at me," she coached. She let go of your hand to wipe the tears from your cheeks and pressed a small kiss to your forehead. "Listen to me carefully," she gently demanded. "You are not your insecurities," Cordelia told you. "You are not your insecurities. I'm deeply sorry that you've ever had to go through that type of pain," she continued, gazing deeply into your eyes. "From the bottom of my heart, but that also has nothing to do with how I feel about you or how I feel when I'm with you. You are perfect to me and you always say how perfect I am, but you never think the same of yourself. I want you to know that every inch of you is perfect. From your pretty little head to your cute little toes," Cordelia said, hoping to get a smile out of you. You sniffled softly, a gentle laugh leaving you. "You are spectacularly beautiful. Nothing could change the fact that I feel that way, okay?" she asked. "I will never make fun of you or hurt you or add to that. You know that from what we've gone through with my episodes. You've always been perfect in handling me when I'm anxious or stressed, so why wouldn't you deserve the same?" What she'd said did make sense to you and maybe you'd needed Cordelia to spell it out for you in order to grasp it.

You moved in again, planting gentle kisses against the skin of Cordelia's neck and this time when she reached to take off your shirt - you didn't stop her. You'd flinched a little once she'd successfully removed it, but you knew you could trust her. She kissed every inch of skin she could feel and touch and find - running her fingers and lips over each scar she could feel, wishing she could fill each one with love. You'd never felt warmer in your life. "Please never leave," you managed to say as she kissed down your stomach and stopped, taking a short pause to remove your underwear. "Baby, I could never."


End file.
